Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy Quotes by Douglas Adams, Mark Twain, Terry Pratchett and many others.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water?
Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.
Shee, you guys are so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off.

Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. […] Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.
This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.
A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.
The storm had now definitely abated, and what thunder there was now grumbled over more distant hills, like a man saying ‘And another thing…’ twenty minutes after admitting he’d lost the argument.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Pardon me for breathing, which I never do any way so I don’t know why I bother to say it, oh God, I’m so depressed.
Funny, how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.